Last week’s episode of Discovery’s “lack of reality” show “Alaskan Bush People” was disturbing on another level. The reason you ask? #GeniusNoah Brown’s admission that he keeps jars of animal organs in his bedroom. Are we sure #GeniusNoah is a Brown, Billy? Because he sounds like a Dahmer. I’m not the only writer who feels that #GeniusNoah’s love life mirrors that of a FBI profiler’s subject. Just ask, “The Alaskan Dispatch News” who reported on Noah Brown this week.
“About a week after Noah pours his soul into a letter to Christie, they meet up for their second date in Hoonah to drink milkshakes. They talk about how their milkshakes are too thick, possibly requiring spoons. This is less like a second date and more like the conversation you have with someone after 50 years of marriage. But Noah saves their boring date by suggesting Christie meet his mom, Ami. As the lovebirds walk to the docks of Hoonah to meet the Browns, Noah says in a taped interview he asked her to meet his family because that’s the how you move from dating to courting, “the difference, of course, is that courting ends in marriage.”
Upon meeting Christie, Ami asks if she likes children. This second date is a nightmare. You’ll be shocked to know that if you fast-forward about 10 minutes in the episode or a few weeks in real life, Christie and Noah have broken up. We find this out as Noah and his dad, Billy, have a heart-to-heart.
Noah is a real baby about the whole thing, saying things like, “I thought it was her, the one I was looking for,” and “soulmates don’t hurt each other.” Then the craziest thing that has ever happened in the history of “Alaskan Bush People” happened — I could actually relate to Billy Brown for two seconds.
As Noah is blabbing on and on about Christie, he says, “For a while I think the only heart I’m going to have is the one on my shelf” and looks up at the deer hearts he’s saved in Mason jars on his shelf. And Billy just says, “OK, that’s just creepy.” For once, Billy isn’t complaining about finishing some project, he’s calling out his weird son for being too weird. I loved it.
I know Noah will bounce back, and after “Alaskan Bush People” is on TV for another 10 years I hope to be invited to cover the “Alaskan Bush People: Wedding Special” after he takes his heart off the shelf.” (Love the shelf pun!) -Alaska Dispatch News story from 7/22/15
Let’s hope that Noah has mended his broken heart, and not used up one from the jars. Or that Billy finally did his son a solid, and bought him an anatomically correct blow-up doll version of Christie to practice on. I really can’t take another Noah poem this season. See you during the finale on Twitter in the #AlaskanBushPeople thread!