I’m really losing my mojo for the Housewives franchise. This episode didn’t help.

Terry and Fancy Pants go Tahiti shopping and Champs drinking. Heather Dubrow tells Terry about $400 shirts being a bargain as us normal folk roll our eyes in unison. Meghan calls during the Dubrow’s shopping trip and asks Heather to co-host “Game Night” since “Jimmy” won’t be around. Terry can’t make the party either so Heather agrees to be Meghan’s date.

Keybo and Scott are the Game Night’s emcees and did an amazing job! Even though the couples theme concept went awry with only half of the husbands attending, it was still a full house! Shannon makes snide comments about Meghan in her talking-head interview. She sarcastically mentions that she actually received an invite to THIS party, obviously still bitter about the charity event. Then she let’s us know that SHE would NEVER have a couples party if her husband couldn’t be there. I’m 5 minutes in and want to slap the crazy out of #VodkaShannon.

Vicky starts snoring 5 minutes after she arrives which is classless and rude. Thank God the games started before she could really blow. I love “The Newlywed Game” and it should be fun to watch the wives and handful of husbands play. Eddie and Tamra are great at the game matching answers left and right! Not surprising at all are #VodkaShannon and David getting zero correct. OF COURSE Shannon over-reacts and becomes a poor sport, worried that her friends might think her relationship isn’t great like she’s been saying. Hey Shannon……YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS AS DEAD AS DAVID’S EYES ARE WHEN HE’S IN THERAPY PRETENDING TO BE A CORPSE DURING YOUR EULOGY. You are completely out of touch with reality Shan Shan. Go to Costco and get the fun size bottle of Grey Goose, you need it. Vicky begins to snore again, and could give not a single shit that Meghan’s games weren’t over. Rude Vicky. So Uncool.

Meghan tells the girls she’s getting Botox and Shannon can’t hide her “Judgy-Eyes.” Shannon needs a hit or 60 of the same solution and is jealous of Meghan period. “There ain’t no way to hide your Judgy-Eyes!” Party is over..

Oh yay! We are treated to yet another Beador marriage therapy session. David is so over it he literally wants to set himself on fire. Shannon yet AGAIN says she can’t stop thinking about the affair and starts to snivel. David thinks therapy sucks. So does the #RHOC audience. Shannon thinks David hates the sessions because he doesn’t want to deal with his own shame. I think it’s because he’s married to the most sexless woman alive, next to Kourtney Kardashian, and he doesn’t need a therapist to help him with that hot mess. Maybe #VodkaShannon can take an herbal remedy for finding her inner skank.

Heather packs and gives tips. Really hitting bottom guys…

Shannon packs and is going to end up in a Tahitian jail for drug smuggling.

Tamra packs the same OC tacky togs as she always does. The others pack and talk to cameras/phones. Bravo is really trying to build an episode out of complete bullshit. Kill me now….

Airport scene. Gratuitous Tahiti Air shots. Bravo pays for these vacations with advertising the airline/hotel lines the HW’s use on all the shows. It should be on the Travel channel, not Bravo.

Arriving in Tahiti #VodkaShannon coughs up black phlegm and has to take antibiotics! She goes to bed and the audience screams,”YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!” Vodka and a Z-pack will work wonders on “Judgy-Eyes.”

Ladies meet for cocktails at the hotel. Vicky shames Meghan for not working and using her husband’s cash.Shannon, Heather, and Meghan don’t like Vicky’s innuendo. Vicky pays for her men and hates that fact. Pretty girls don’t pay in the OC. The End. Let’s hope next week we get to see Tahiti because the ladies are not fun to watch when jet-lagged.

Cheers! B3